How does it make you feel when your husband defends another woman? Not good right? Especially if he’s defending her over you, or doesn’t usually step up and defend you!
For most women, this puts them in a lose-lose situation.
If you say something, you might look like you’re jealous of the other woman or acting without dignity.
If you don’t say something, your husband is going to carry on behaving like this blissfully unaware of how it’s making you feel.
What should you do?
The best thing you can do is to keep a cool head at the time, and then take an objective look with a cool head at why he’s behaving like this and what his motivations might be.
I’ve come across this issue a number of times. Here is what I advise you do:
First, Take an Objective Look at Why He’s Defending Another Woman
It’s incredibly important that you are able to take an unbiased, objective look at the situation if you want to fully understand why he chose to defend another woman.
The worst thing you can do is react to him in the moment when emotions are high. This can easily backfire if there is more to the story that you don’t know about.
It also puts both your husband and the other woman on the defensive if you start accusing him or anything and asking why he defended her.
So, with a cooler head, ask yourself (or your husband) the following questions:
Is He Justified in Defending Her?
Just because he’s your husband, it doesn’t mean he is not allowed or justified to defend another woman.
Regardless of who the woman is, if he’s standing up for her and doing the right thing he should be commended.
Obviously, there’s a line as to how much time and energy he should spend helping others. But if he’s speaking up and doing the right thing with good intentions, you shouldn’t feel threatened or offended.
Related – Signs another woman is intimidated by you.
Is Your Husband a Naturally Defensive Person?
Does your husband always jump to people’s defense? If it’s nothing out of the ordinary, but you’re offended because it’s a certain ‘other’ woman, it doesn’t sound like it’s his fault.
There is another angle to this, and that is looking at why he finds himself in a situation where he needs to defend her. But if it’s something your husband would do for anyone, don’t be surprised.
Is He Putting the Other Woman Before You?
Was there some kind of triangle involved when he was stepping in to defend the other woman – did you feel though he could have put you first?
It’s normal to feel a little put out when a partner steps up and defends someone else, but it crosses a line when you were there and needed his support first.
Are There Signs That He Has Feelings for Her?
Let’s be honest with each other here, are you thinking that your husband stepped up and defended another woman because he has feelings for her?
This act alone is not enough to assume that he has feelings for her. Read this post for a long list of signs that your husband has a crush on another woman.
Does He Act Differently When She’s Around?
Have you been noticing that your husband acts differently when he’s around this woman outside of this incident when he’s defended her?
It’s hard to say why without knowing the nuances of how he’s behaving, but look at the bigger picture. If he’s always acting funny or differently around her, you’re right to question his motivation.
Does He Defend You in the Same Way?
Here’s the real question, and this is often the bone of contention that really annoys women – did he defend another woman more vehemently than he does you?
I can totally understand why that doesn’t feel great, you don’t need to feel bad about questioning his behavior if this is the case.
Next, Talk to Him About How It Made You Feel
Talking openly about things that impact you emotionally and affect your relationship is crucial if you want to grow as a couple, and of course, resolve issues that crop up.
Exactly how you do this is a topic in itself, but a few important things to be aware of before talking to your husband are:
Pick the Right Time
Timing is everything when you want to discuss a sensitive and serious issue like this one. The wrong time to discuss it is in the heat of the moment just after your husband has said or done something to defend another woman.
The right time to discuss it is not in front of the other woman, you don’t want her to feel uncomfortable. You also want to wait until whatever drama has blown over and you both have cooler heads.
Don’t Make Him Feel Confronted or Uncomfortable
If you want your husband to be honest and open, you need to reach the topic without coming across as confrontational or saying anything to make him uncomfortable.
To do this, you need to bring it up in a somewhat casual way, and without directly asking him “why did you defend her”.
The best way to do this is to start with a plan of what you’re going to say. Choose your words carefully, don’t use “you” a lot, and be patient with his responses.
Be a Good Listener
Being a good listener is a key skill in strengthening a relationship, and it’s crucially important when you’re trying to discuss something that’s upset you.
Sure, you want to get your point across, but the only way you’re going to get all of the information you want is by giving him the opportunity to talk and listen.
Be Sure to Get Across How You Feel
While listening to what your husband has to say it’s very important, you also have to make sure you get across exactly how the situation made you feel.
This isn’t something you want to bring up over and over again, you want to discuss it once, have your feelings known, hear him out, I know what’s going to be different next time – if anything.
Are You Happy With His Reasoning?
So, the incident happened, you let the dust settle, you discussed it openly with your husband, and he explained why he felt the need to defend another woman in front of you.
How do you feel about his reasoning?
Obviously, I can’t comment on your exact situation, and there are many different directions this can go in based on personal circumstances – but what matters is how you feel about it now you’ve discussed it.
If you’re still not happy and you think there is more to this than your husband is letting on, for the good of the relationship don’t hold it over him.
For the good of your own mental health and your relationship, you’re going to have to trust that he will make the best decisions based on what you’ve told him about how the situation has made you feel.
Image credits – Photo by Mimi Thian on Unsplash
Phil lives in England, UK, and has around 20 years experience as a professional life, career and executive coach. He started this blog to help others find and define their own self development journey. Blogging about a wide range of topics to help facilitate a better future.