When you like someone, it’s important that you’re able to spot the signs of a commitment-phobe if you want to avoid heartache.
Getting involved with a commitment-phobe has its pros and cons, but it usually ends in tears as they’ve not able to commit.
To help you better spot if someone you’re interested in has commitment issues, here are commitment-phobic man patterns to look out for!
25 Commitment-Phobic Man Patterns to Lookout For!
1. It’s Hard to Get Them to Agree to Anything
When you’re trying to make plans with a commitment-phobic man, it’s going to be difficult to say the least.
They’ll often avoid making any concrete plans and will prefer to keep things vague.
If you ask them what they want to do on Saturday night, they’ll probably say something like “I don’t know, what do you feel like doing?”
Or, they’ll agree to something and then back out at the last minute.
2. Sometimes They Disappear for Days or Even Weeks
One minute they’re all over you and the next, they’ve disappeared into thin air!
If you’re dating a commitment-phobe, you’ll likely find that they randomly disappear for days or even weeks at a time.
This is because their anxiety will build up if they feel like they’re getting too close to someone.
And when you finally hear from them again, don’t be surprised if they act like nothing happened.
Related – 20 signs a commitment-phobe is in love!
3. They Never Seem to Take the Initiative
When you’re with a commitment-phobic man, it always seems like you’re the one taking the initiative.
Because you are!
You might find yourself always being the one to suggest meeting up or texting first.
And when you do hear from them, their messages are usually short and lack any real effort.
It can be really frustrating trying to get a commitment-phobe to take the initiative and respond because it feels like a commitment to them.
4. You Can’t Find out Much About Their Previous Relationships
If you try to ask a commitment-phobic man about their previous relationships, they’ll probably give you very little information.
And what information they do give is usually vague and lacking in detail.
They might tell you that it didn’t work out or that they were the ones who ended it.
It’s all signs that they struggled to make a meaningful commitment with their previous partners, and a sign of what’s to come in the future.
5. They Don’t Have Any Close Friends
Chances are, if they’re a commitment-phobe, the answer is no.
Commitment-phobes tend to push people away and don’t let anyone get too close.
As a result, they don’t have many (if any) close friends.
6. They Won’t Talk About Future Plans
When you try to bring up future plans with a commitment-phobic man, they’ll quickly change the subject or avoid it altogether.
They might say that they’re not ready to think about the future yet or that they don’t know what they want.
All of which are signs that they’re not ready (or willing) to commit to anything, which is a commitment-phobe’s worst fear!
7. They Are Always Vague About Times and Places
If you’re trying to make plans with a commitment-phobic man, they’ll always be vague about the time and place.
They might say something like “I’ll meet you at the park around noon” but when noon comes around, they’re nowhere to be found.
It’s incredibly frustrating, but it’s one of the most obvious commitment-phobic man patterns.
8. They Leave You ‘On Read’
Have you ever sent someone a message and they’ve left you ‘on read‘?
It’s one of the most frustrating things as communication is so quick and fluid online, but it’s a sign that they don’t want to commit to anything.
When someone is interested in you and willing to make plans, they’ll make an effort to reply to your messages, you can be sure of that.
9. They Won’t Make Promises
A pattern for a commitment-phobe is that they will never make promises, and if they do, you can be sure that they won’t be good at keeping them.
This ranges from simple things like saying that they’ll call you tomorrow but not doing so, to longer-term commitments like scheduling a holiday only to back out at the last minute.
It’s very frustrating to deal with, but you have to realize that commitment-phobes are dealing with anxiety and emotional difficulties.
10. If They Do Make Promises, They Break Them
When pressed, a commitment-phobic pattern is to agree to things or make promises, but only because they feel pressured at that moment.
They don’t actually intend to follow through on them though and will soon break their promises.
This can be really hurtful and frustrating, but it’s something that you have to come to accept if you’re in a relationship with a commitment-phobe.
11. They Always Have Stories for You to Feel Sorry for Them
If you’re in a relationship with a commitment-phobe, they’ll always have stories and excuses for why things haven’t worked out in the past.
And they’ll use these stories to make you feel sorry for them and deflect the blame from themselves.
But the truth is, these stories are usually just excuses for their own behavior!
12. They Get Defensive if You Try to Make Them Commit to Something
If you try to make plans or get them to commit to something, they’ll quickly become defensive and start making excuses.
It’s one of the most frustrating things about being friends or being in a relationship with a commitment-phobe!
All you want to do is discuss how they feel and get to the bottom of their anxieties, but it’s typically incredibly hard for them to talk openly about it.
13. They Always Pick at Flaws In Their Partners
Another pattern of a commitment-phobic person is that they’re always looking for flaws in their partner as a way to justify not committing.
It’s a way for them to protect themselves from getting hurt. It’s also one of the most toxic behaviors in a relationship so it’s something to be aware of.
14. They Will Not Face up To Problems
If you’re in a relationship with a commitment-phobe, they will never face up to problems.
They’ll either ignore them or try to deflect the blame onto you or someone else.
It’s one of the most frustrating things about being in a relationship with a commitment-phobe but it’s also one of the most common patterns.
15. They Never Own Their Mistakes
Another frustrating pattern is that they never own their mistakes.
It’s always someone else’s fault or they try to make excuses for their behavior when they have to let someone down.
This is another toxic behavior that makes it hard for commitment-phobes to make strong friendships.
16. They Blow Hot and Cold
If you’ve been dealing with a guy (or a girl) that has been blowing hot and cold on you, this is a sign that they have commitment issues.
You know what this looks like; one minute they’re interested in you and trying to make plans, and the next minute they’ve gone completely off the radar.
It’s hard to keep up with people when they’re doing this, and it can be emotionally draining!
17. They Don’t Leave Possessions at Their Partner’s Place
Another subtle sign to look out for is when someone never leaves any of their possessions at their partner’s place.
It might not seem like a big deal, but it’s actually a pretty big indication that they don’t know when they’ll be coming back.
It’s also a way for them to keep themselves emotionally detached from the relationship and it’s something that you should be aware of if you’re invested in the relationship.
18. You Catch Them out Telling Lies
One of the most frustrating things about being friends or in a relationship with a commitment-phobe is that they need to tell lies to cover their tracks.
It’s hard to trust someone when you know that they’re constantly lying to you, and it can make it difficult to have a healthy relationship.
19. Their Excuses Are Weak
Commitment-phobes are always making up excuses for their behavior, and naturally, it gets more difficult all the time to come up with legitimate-sounding excuses.
This is one of the more frustrating things about being in a relationship with someone that has commitment issues and you know they’re weaving stories.
They’ll come up with flimsy excuses for why they can’t do something or why they didn’t show up, and pressing them just makes it worse.
20. They Give You Bad Vibes
When you’re around a commitment-phobe, you might get a bad feeling in your gut.
It’s hard to explain, but there’s just something off about them.
Their energy is usually pretty negative and it can be draining to be around them when they keep avoiding questions or making excuses.
If you’re getting bad vibes from someone, it’s worth listening to your gut and investigating further.
21. People Have Warned You They’re a Commitment-Phobe
If you’re considering dating someone or you’re already in a relationship with them, it’s worth listening to what other people have to say about them.
People who have known them for longer than you will have a better idea about how reliable they are.
It might be difficult to hear what they have to say, but if they’re telling you they have commitment issues, you should listen.
22. They Go from Being Intense to Distant with People
If you’ve noticed that someone goes from being really intense and interested in you to distant and disinterested, this is usually a pattern of a commitment-phobic person.
It’s not necessarily a bad thing if you’re not trying to get too close with them, but it’s something to be aware of.
This pattern often happens because the person is afraid of getting too close to someone and when they feel like they are, that vulnerability makes them back away.
23. They Are Indecisive
Similar to getting close and backing off, someone with commitment issues will have a pattern of indecisive behavior.
It’s normal to take some time to make decisions, but if they can’t even decide over simple decisions or always have to change their minds, it’s a red flag.
24. They Say They Aren’t Good Enough for Others
If someone is constantly saying that they’re not good enough for other people, it’s a sign that they have low self-esteem.
It might not seem like a big deal, but it’s another way to keep their distance and avoid forming close relationships.
People with low self-esteem often attract people that will take advantage of them or treat them poorly, too, so it’s something to keep in mind if you’re friends with the person.
25. They Find Ways to Sabotage Their Relationships
One of the most frustrating patterns someone with commitment issues has is that they often find ways to sabotage their relationships.
They might do this by constantly fighting or picking arguments, or they might just withdraw over time and stop communicating.
It’s hard to have a healthy relationship when one person is always finding ways to sabotage it, and it’s usually a sign that they don’t want to be in the relationship.
More reading – Obvious signs a commitment-phobe really likes you!
Image credits – Photo by Justin Chen on Unsplash
Phil lives in England, UK, and has around 20 years experience as a professional life, career and executive coach. He started this blog to help others find and define their own self development journey. Blogging about a wide range of topics to help facilitate a better future.