If you’re involved with a married man, chances are his wife is going to find out at some point.
Maybe he tells her, maybe you tell her, or maybe she catches him out.
However she finds out it’s going to be an emotionally-charged situation, possibly even explosive.
How you handle the situation and what you do next will impact all of your lives.
Here’s an explanation of what to do when his wife finds out about the affair!
What to Do When His Wife Finds Out – When It’s Just Happened
1. Give Him Space to Figure Stuff Out
When his wife first finds out, your boyfriend is going to be in shock and it’s hard to say what’s going to happen.
One thing I do know is that he will need time to process everything that’s happened and figure out what he wants to do next.
It’s important that you give him the space to do this, even if it means not speaking to him for a few days or even weeks.
He may have kids with his wife, financial commitments to figure out, friends and family to tell, it all takes time.
He may reach out to you for comfort, and that’s fine. But don’t pressure him to do anything he’s not comfortable doing.
Related – 5 reasons why mistresses tell the wife about the affair.
2. Don’t Make Him Choose Right Away
Your boyfriend might feel like he has to choose between you and his wife immediately but try and discourage this.
This is a decision that will take time, and it’s important that he doesn’t make any rash decisions.
I’m sure that you love him and he’s been telling you about the future you both have together, but trust me, many guys go back to their wives when the affair ends.
This is something you don’t want to hear, but it’s a reality you need to accept.
If he does want to end things with his wife, then that’s fine, but encourage him to speak to a lawyer first and get all of his legal stuff in order.
3. Don’t Talk to His Wife if She Contacts You
If his wife contacts you, the best thing to do is not reply – even if you know her.
I know it’s hard, especially if she’s saying nasty things about you or trying to start a fight, but just ignore her.
The worst thing you can do is get involved in a back-and-forth with her, it will only make things worse.
If she keeps trying to contact you, then you can block her number or change your number altogether.
There really aren’t any good outcomes that can come from speaking to his wife, especially when emotions are running high after the affair has been made public.
4. Don’t Have Him Move in With You
If your boyfriend wants to move in with you after his wife finds out about the affair, it’s best to say no.
I know it’s tempting to want to have him all to yourself but this is a huge decision and one that should not be made lightly.
He needs time to sort things out with his wife, and if they do decide to get a divorce, he needs to be the one who moves out.
If you live together and she finds out, then this could complicate the court proceedings – not to mention his head is going to be all over the place.
This is something you don’t want to risk, so it’s best to just say no and give him time to figure things out, even if he does need a place to stay!
5. Talk to Him when The Dust Has Settled
Once the initial shock and anger have passed, it will be time to talk to your boyfriend about what’s next.
This is a conversation you need to have together, and it’s important that you’re on the same page.
You both need to decide if you’re going to try and make things work and how you’re going to move forward.
If you both love each other and this is meant to be, it’s going to work out, don’t worry!
Related – Why it’s complicated seeing a guy living with his ex-wife or trying a trial separation.
How Long Do Affairs Last After They Are Discovered?
This is a difficult question to answer because it varies from couple to couple.
Some couples are able to work through the affair and come out stronger on the other side, while others find that it’s too difficult to overcome and they end up splitting.
There is no right or wrong answer, and it really depends on the situation.
If you’re the mistress, the best advice is to follow the tips above and give your man some space to figure things out.
If he wants to be with you, he will come to you.
If he doesn’t and he realizes he really wants to be with his wife, you have to accept that – and it’s better you’re no longer involved with him anyway.
How Can You Tell if A Man Is Still in Love with His Wife?
If your affair came out in the open and your guy is now with you but you suspect he might be doubting his position, there are signs to look out for.
If he is constantly talking about his wife, even if it’s to say negative things, it’s a sign that he’s still in love with her or has some feelings.
Another sign is if he is still in contact with her, and not just for necessary reasons like talking about their kids.
Even if he says he wants to be with you, if he can’t see a future without her, it’s a sign that he might still have feelings.
Of course, this isn’t always the case and some men do move on quickly when their affair comes out and it’s a fairytale ending.
But if you’re seeing these signs or other signs you’re not comfortable with, it’s important to have a conversation with him about what he’s thinking and feeling.
How Do Most Affairs End?
Unfortunately, I have to be honest with you here and tell you that most affairs don’t have a happy ending.
In most cases, either the husband of the mistress or the wife of the guy finds out and things end quickly and painfully.
However, sometimes the affair just fizzles out because it wasn’t as special as they thought it was going to be.
And in other cases, one person might want to end things but the other doesn’t, which can lead to a messy and complicated situation.
The best thing you can do is try and be prepared for any outcome, and remember that it’s not going to be easy no matter what happens.
If you’re the one who wants to end things, be prepared for a lot of hurt and anger, and try to be as understanding as possible.
The other person is going to be going through a lot, and they might not be ready to let go just yet.
If you’re the one who wants to keep things going, try not to put too much pressure on the other person.
They might need some time to think about things, and you don’t want to push them away by being too clingy.
No one said affairs are easy, and they’re not!
Image credits – Photo by David Preston on Unsplash
Phil lives in England, UK, and has around 20 years experience as a professional life, career and executive coach. He started this blog to help others find and define their own self development journey. Blogging about a wide range of topics to help facilitate a better future.