There are few things more devastating than receiving a message out of the blue from someone saying they’re the mistress of your husband.
Or, if you’re the guy in the situation, going home and seeing that look on your wife’s face that she knows.
But why do mistresses tell the wife?
Is it right that they tell?
How should you handle it if you’ve just found out your husband has a mistress?
Here are 5 reasons why mistresses tell the wife of their husband about the affair:
Why Do Mistresses Tell the Wife?
The 5 most common reasons why a mistress will tell the wife about their affair are:
1. They’re Tired of Hiding and Lying
After a while, hiding and pretending gets old for a mistress.
It’s the guy who is getting the best of both worlds. For the mistress, it’s often a case of being let down all the time, lying to friends and family, and making sure she’s out of sight from the wife.
This often leads the mistress to feel like she’s living a lie and that eventually, the truth will come out anyway.
Telling the wife feels like a way of getting ahead of the story and taking control of the situation – as well as lifting that burden she’s been carrying around.
In this case, the mistress might not be thinking about all the possible outcomes and making the decision that’s best for the relationship, she’s just tired of being the ‘other’ woman.
Related – If you told your affairs wife will he ever forgive you? Find out here.
2. They Think It Will Make the Guy Leave His Wife
This is a common reason why women, in general, tell about their affairs – they think that if their wife finds out, he’ll leave his wife for them.
The mistress might believe that by telling the wife, it will cause enough of a stir that the husband will finally see how unhappy he is in his current relationship and make the decision to leave.
Or, he may have been telling her that he’s ready to leave but just doesn’t know exactly how to tell her.
3. It’s a Vengeful Act Because They Feel Wronged
Sometimes a mistress will tell the wife as an act of revenge.
She may feel like she’s been wronged in some way – maybe he promised her he would leave his wife but never did, or perhaps he’s been stringing her along for years and she’s finally had enough.
Revealing the affair can be a way of getting back at him and making him feel as bad as she does.
This is usually more common in cases where the mistress has been emotionally attached to the husband and feels like she’s been used or misled in some way.
4. They’re Getting a Lot of Pressure from Friends and Family
In some cases, it’s not the mistress who wants to tell the wife – it’s her friends and family.
They may have been pressuring her to come clean for a while, telling her that she needs to tell the wife what’s going on so she can make an informed decision about whether or not to stay in the relationship.
Affairs are difficult for everyone involved, and often spill over to friends and family.
Our friends and family always have our best interests at heart, but that judgment and added pressure can be hard to take.
5. They Feel Sorry for The Wife
This is one of the more common reasons cited for why mistresses tell the wife – they simply feel bad for her.
She likely has no idea that her husband is cheating and by telling her, and as a woman, some mistresses can relate to that and find it hard to deal with.
In some cases, the mistress may even develop feelings for the wife and want to protect her from being hurt if she knows her.
Obviously, finding out her husband is cheating will hurt her, but it’s a way of limiting the damage for sure.
Is It Right for A Mistress to Tell the Wife?
There is no easy answer to this question.
While there are a number of reasons why a mistress might tell the wife about her affair with her husband, it’s ultimately up to the mistress to decide whether or not she wants to take that step.
There are a lot of possible outcomes, and not all of them may be desirable. It’s important to weigh all the options and make a decision that’s best for everyone involved.
The mistress is often the forgotten party in an affair, yet they are the ones carrying most of the burden.
They’re the ‘other’ woman, they are often kept in the dark as a secret, and they are often strung along by the guy cheating on his wife.
It’s certainly not fair to blame a mistress or tell them that they have no right to tell the wife.
Mistresses have the right to take control of the situation, and the wife of the husband deserves to be told their husband is cheating if that’s what they want to do.
Related – Here is what to do when his wife finds out!
Do Mistresses Feel Guilty?
Again, this comes down to the individual mistress and there is no set answer.
But generally speaking, I think more mistresses feel some sort of guilt than those who don’t.
After all, we are all human. It’s normal to feel some guilt when you’re doing something that you know is wrong.
But it’s also important to remember that the husband is the one who made the decision to cheat.
The mistress is not responsible for his actions, and she should not feel guilty for something that he did.
It’s not about the blame game, but if anything, the husband should be the one feeling guilty – not the mistress.
Are Mistresses Jealous of The Wife?
This is a difficult question to answer because it varies from mistress to mistress.
Some mistresses may feel jealous of the wife because she has the stability of a long-term relationship and doesn’t have to worry about her lover cheating on her.
On the other hand, some mistresses may feel like they have the upper hand because they’re the one the husband is cheating with – not the other way around.
It really depends on the individual mistress and her own personal feelings towards the wife.
The important thing to remember is that just because a mistress is sleeping with a married man, it doesn’t mean she’s automatically jealous of his wife.
Every situation is different, and it’s important to remember that.
You should never jump to conclusions, assume anything about how the mistress is feeling, and most importantly – don’t judge them!
Image credits – Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash
Phil lives in England, UK, and has around 20 years experience as a professional life, career and executive coach. He started this blog to help others find and define their own self development journey. Blogging about a wide range of topics to help facilitate a better future.