If you’ve discovered – or have a strong suspicion – your husband has a secret bank account, it can feel like you’ve been betrayed and deceived.
It’s normal to ask yourself questions like:
Is he building up a fund and planning on leaving?
Is he selfishly keeping more money for himself?
What else is he hiding or lying about?
Before you jump to any conclusions, here are some of the common reasons why guys have secret bank accounts and how you should approach the topic with him:
My Husband Has a Secret Bank Account – Should You Be Worried?
If you’ve discovered that your husband has a secret bank account, I can imagine all kinds of things are running through your mind right now.
It feels like a big sense of betrayal to discover anything that you feel like your husband has been deliberately hiding, especially money.
But before you confront him or assume the worst, take a breath and consider that there may be a reasonable explanation.
Some of the reasons why he has an account that he’s never told you about include:
- He’s been saving up for a surprise present for you
- He’s paying off debt that he doesn’t want you to know about
- He has a hobby or interest that he spends money on that he knows would upset or worry you
- He set up the account a long time ago and doesn’t think about it himself
Now, of course, there are also some more worrying reasons why your husband might have a secret bank account.
- He could be planning to leave you and start a new life elsewhere
- He could be having an affair and is keeping his finances separate from yours
- He could be gambling or otherwise spending money recklessly
- He might have some kind of ‘secret’ life that he doesn’t want you to know about
Some of the answers can be found by looking at the account if you’re able to do that.
How much money is in it? How active is the account, are there large amounts of money going in and out of the account?
You may even be able to see where the money is going and create a picture of what your husband is doing.
I’m never an advocate for snooping, but finding a secret bank account is a pretty big deal.
A little private eye work is acceptable – alternatively, you could just speak to him about it if you feel more comfortable doing so.
How Can I Find out If My Husband Has a Secret Account?
If you are only in the suspicion phase at the moment and think your husband has a secret account, before confronting him you need to find some evidence.
If you get it wrong, he’s only going to be offended. If you don’t have proof, it might make him become even more secretive.
A few of the ways you can try and confirm for sure if your husband has a secret account, these are:
- Check for any odd activity on your shared accounts or his accounts you know of, is money ‘disappearing’?
- Does your husband receive physical mail that he doesn’t want you to see?
- Are there banks you didn’t think he used in his online history?
- Does your husband clearly have less disposable funds than you’d expect?
Obviously, it can be difficult to find his hidden accounts if he’s trying to cover his tracks.
And I appreciate that you might not want to snoop around too much, as you wouldn’t want him to do the same to you.
But you deserve to know if your husband is hiding something from you as serious as a bank account, so there is a line to walk there.
Is It Ok for Your Husband to Hide Money?
In some relationships, it’s not uncommon for each person to have their own ‘personal’ money.
In fact, I’d say most married couples have their own bank accounts and also have a shared account which they use to deposit money into for the household bills.
It’s also reasonable if you don’t know exactly how much money your spouse has in their own account, as that’s their own money to spend how they want.
If they have another hidden account that’s something very different though.
There shouldn’t be any secrets about money in a relationship, especially when you’re married.
You both owe it to each other to be transparent about how much money you have or are spending, so you know how financially secure you are as a couple.
Of course, there is nothing wrong with putting a little money aside to surprise your partner and you don’t have to share everything down to the penny.
But deliberately hiding money in an account your spouse does not know about is not OK.
Do All Married Couples Share Bank Accounts?
Not all married couples share bank accounts, no. There are various ways couples decide to handle their bills, shared expenses, and finances.
There is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to how you decide to split your bills and manage your finances.
It depends on whether or not you’re both earning, how much you both earn, and whether or not you’re both financially responsible enough to share an account.
You need to find out what works best in your relationship, but the important thing is that you find a way to manage your finances that you are both happy with.
How to Talk to Your Husband About His Secret Bank Account
Whether you know for sure your husband has a secret bank account or you strongly suspect it, it’s essential you talk to him about it.
You should never bottle up things that are causing you mental anguish in your relationship, talking about it is the only way to get to the bottom of it.
Schedule a time to talk about it when you know you won’t be interrupted and won’t have to rush off anywhere.
Try not to come at him too aggressively, as that will only make him defensive and less likely to tell you the truth.
It’s OK to be upset, but try and stay calm as you explain how finding out about the secret account has made you feel.
Listen to what he has to say and try to understand his reasons for keeping it a secret from you.
If he doesn’t have a good reason, then that’s something you need to work on as a couple.
You should also agree on a way forward, whether that means him closing the account and being more open about his finances with you or finding another solution that works for both of you.
Do you suspect your husband has a secret bank account? Maybe you’ve been through this and discussed it with your husband?
If so, I’d love to hear about how it went and I’m sure it’ll help other readers if you share your experiences in the comments below, many thanks!
Image credits – Photo by Marcus Lenk on Unsplash
Phil lives in England, UK, and has around 20 years experience as a professional life, career and executive coach. He started this blog to help others find and define their own self development journey. Blogging about a wide range of topics to help facilitate a better future.