Are you starting to get concerned that your boyfriend is using you for a place to live?
If you’re making it too cushy for him; giving him a roof over his head, feeding him, maybe even supporting him financially, it can put a serious strain on your relationship.
You need to confront three things with him to help you put these worries aside:
- Find out if he is taking advantage of you
- Figure out if he can start paying his way in the near future
- Have a talk with him about where your relationship is going
Sometimes, guys get a little too comfortable or deliberately take advantage of their partners. Here’s how to figure out where your boyfriend’s intentions lay, and what to do about it:
Is He Financially Responsible?
What’s his financial situation like and how responsible is he with money? If he has enough money for his own place, why is he mooching off you and not contributing? If he’s earning well, but blowing it, that’s another issue.
Digging into how financially responsible he not only helps you understand if he’s using you for a place to live, but it paints a picture of what it would be like paying for somewhere together.
Financial compatibility is a real thing. Having one person putting a drag on the relationship finances causes a real strain on a relationship. It’s a good idea to investigate this before committing to bills together.
Does He Offer to Help Pay for Expenses or Rent?
Whatever the reason is for him living with you, there’s no excuse not to offer to help pay for rent or some of the bills.
It’s just common courtesy, honestly. Being your boyfriend is not an excuse or an out, he should be offering something, no matter how broke he is.
If he doesn’t even so much as offer, he’s taking advantage of you. Maybe this means he’s using you for a palace to live, or maybe it just means he’s selfish. Either way, it’s not good, is it?
Is He Treating Your Place Like a Hotel?
If you’ve been good enough to let him live with you, and probably rent-free, the least he can do is treat your place with respect.
If he’s treating your home like a hotel; not cleaning up, not helping out, coming in and out at all times, etc, then it sounds like he’s using you.
Your boyfriend should be grateful that you’ve given him a roof over his head. He should be helping out wherever he can, working on ways to contribute more in the future, and so on if he really cares.
Does He Talk About Buying Somewhere Together in the Future?
Does your boyfriend talk about buying somewhere in the future? If so, it sounds like he’s using your place as a stepping stone to buy somewhere together – that’s reassuring that he’s not just using you.
It’s difficult when one person in a relationship has a home or the financial means for a place and the other doesn’t. Sometimes it’s hard for that person (your boyfriend) to see that place as a ‘home’.
The important thing is that he’s not just using you for your home and does want to live together in the future.
Does He Ask for More Money?
Living with someone is a huge financial saving, if he also asks for more money from you then he’s totally taking advantage of you. Or, at least he’s trying to.
No matter how dire his financial situation is, you shouldn’t have to support both his living arrangements and support him financially. Guys like this – unless they have special circumstances – are taking advantage.
It’s time to have a talk with him. Help him put together an action plan to start supporting himself and contributing to the household.
Related – How to deal with a selfish partner.
How Grownup and Responsible Is He as a Person?
Some guys and immature. Not just with money, but emotionally. Those are the types of guys that are more likely to use their girlfriends for somewhere to live.
If your boyfriend has some growing up to do, take a serious look at if he might be taking advantage of you or not.
Some Other Questions to Ask Yourself About Your Relationship
Outside of looking for signs that your boyfriend is using you for a place to live, you also have to think about your future together.
Here are some questions to ask yourself about your relationship, your future, and some practical things to consider when living with your boyfriend:
Do You See a Future With Your Boyfriend?
This is an important question; do you see a future with your boyfriend?
Whether your answer depends on how you feel about your boyfriend, or how you think he feels about you – you shouldn’t be living together if you don’t see a future with him.
If your relationship isn’t in the strongest position, he’s more likely to use you for your financial support until something better comes along for him.
Should You Charge Your Boyfriend Rent?
This is a tough question a lot of people ask when they own a property and have their partner living with them.
The right answer is always, “yes” though. No one should get free board, even if you own the property, your boyfriend should pay you some money to cover your mortgage and bills.
If you’re paying rent, it’s simple; he should be paying half of the bills. If your boyfriend doesn’t have the financial means, that’s when problems arise.
You’ll have to work out something reasonable. But as I pointed out above, if he’s serious about contributing, he’s going to offer as much as he can afford, and that’s all you can really ask.
What Should You Do if Your Boyfriend Is Using You for a Place to Live?
So, you’ve established that your boyfriend is taking advantage of you and using you for a place to live.
It’s time to talk to him, and sooner rather than later.
You need to have crisis talks. Is your relationship worth saving? Is he willing to admit that he’s been using you for somewhere to live?
A lot depends on what your feelings are for your boyfriend and how he reacts to being confronted.
If he’s willing to change his ways, start paying his way, and pull his weight to make the relationship work and that’s what you want – I wish you luck.
If he’s not, it’s time to kick him out and show him that you will not tolerate being taken advantage of.
Image credits – Photo by Rūta Celma on Unsplash
Phil lives in England, UK, and has around 20 years experience as a professional life, career and executive coach. He started this blog to help others find and define their own self development journey. Blogging about a wide range of topics to help facilitate a better future.