My Husband Has No Dreams or Goals (Is It Bringing You Down?)

My Husband Has No Dreams or Goals

Someone emailed me recently with some concerns. It was a long email, but basically, she was saying; “My husband has no dreams or goals and it’s putting a strain on our relationship, both emotionally and financially.”

This is actually a fairly common complaint from one person in a relationship.

It’s hard to have goals that align with a partner, I get that. But when one person in a relationship is much more motivated and passionate about achieving things than the other, it can cause a lot of problems.

Not least it can really take the wind out of the sails for the person chasing their dreams.

If you’re currently in this position, and if it’s affecting your chances to achieve your goals, you need to do something about it.

It’s not fair on you, or anyone in a relationship to be dragged down by their partner. I’m not saying you should abandon the relationship necessary. Hopefully, you can find a way to motivate your husband!

Because as someone who spends every day working towards their dreams, I know how fulfilling it makes me as a person, and how wonderful it makes life. As I’m sure you do, too.

Why Dreams and Goals Are So Important (to You and Your Husband)

I’m sure I don’t need to convince you, but if your husband is lacking goals and dreams, he’s missing out.

Here are some of the reasons why having dreams and setting goals are important:

They Give Our Lives Purpose

Having a purpose is everything, right? So many people just aimlessly go through life never really knowing why or what they’re doing. It’s sad.

Some people dream big from the time they’re small children, while some people need a little help. That’s fine, I believe we can all find a meaningful purpose if we look for it – your husband is just one of those people that needs a little help.

It Lights a Fire Deep Inside Us

This is the hardest thing to explain to someone who has never had a dream or felt like they have a purpose.

Having a purpose lights a fire deep inside that you can’t fake. It drives you to reach those goals, it’s motivating, it makes us feel alive!

It really is the reason why athletes, actors, and other people that achieve extraordinary things are able to do so. They have dreams to be the best and they try their hardest.

It’s a wonderful thing!

You’ll Meet Like-Minded People

When you have goals, the best part is that you’re ever alone. Meeting other people with similar goals is one of the most wonderful and fulfilling things – hence why being with someone that doesn’t can be so hard.

It’s a great way to meet new people and get out of a rut. I bet if your husband got that initial momentum and started to expand his social circle he’d get out of that rut.

You’ll Find a Deeper Happiness

Happiness is good for our physical, mental, and emotional health. Many people, and this may be true of your husband, are not truly happy without having a purpose or goals.

They may be happy on the outside, and they may be happy with you and their other relationships. But there is a happiness that runs deeper, one that is omnipresent, even without friends and material possessions around.

Related Is your husband’s failing business ruining your marriage?

What Do You Do When Your Partner Has No Ambition?

If your partner doesn’t have any ambitions, goals, dreams, or seemingly any purpose in life, it can be a hard position to find yourself in.

Do you try and help them find their passion? Or, are they happy as they are?

The main question you have to ask yourself is, “how is their lack of ambition affecting me?”

Because, as I touched on in the opening comments, having two people on the opposite side of the scale in terms of ambition can cause some serious problems.

The main issue is that they can drag you down, and that’s not fair. The unfortunate fact is that lack of ambition is often stronger than the desire to achieve goals (hence why people find themselves in a rut).

Why? Because it’s easier to just cruise through life, right?

It’s hard to work towards lofty goals each day. It takes effort. There will be times when you’re feeling beat down and deflated, you’ll need someone to help motivate you.

That’s not going to come from your husband if he doesn’t share the same passion or understand how important and fulfilling it is to achieve something great.

So, you have two really hard decisions to make. To achieve your own personal goals, you can either:

Put Yourself First and Leave Your Husband

This may sound drastic, and it probably is for some reading this.

However, if you read the above section and were nodding your head and thinking, “my husband is stopping me from achieving my dreams,” you need to seriously evaluate how compatible you are.

Sure, there are a lot of things that are important in our lives, and family is right up there. But we only live once, and I’ve spoken with too many people at later stages of their lives with huge regrets.

There is no reason why you can’t achieve your dreams while still maintaining your relationship. So, if it’s stopping you from doing so, you need to address it.

Related Does your husband pick on everything you do? Here’s what to do.

Tell Him to Meet You in the Middle and Support You, or Else

That leads me on to this point. If you can’t help your husband find his own purpose, the least he can do is support you and help you achieve yours.

Goals become so much easier to achieve with the support of others. Especially loved ones and those around us.

This is why it’s commonly said that we’re the average of the five people we spend the most time with. If you surround yourself with unmotivated people, it’ll demotivate you.

Likewise, if you can get support from your husband and meet other like-minded people also chasing their goals, you will achieve yours.

Desire and ambition are contagious. Having a solid foundation of support of your partner is essential.

Please, even if he can’t find his own dreams and goals – make sure you don’t take a step back in chasing yours!

Image credits – Photo by Rhett Noonan on Unsplash

5 thoughts on “My Husband Has No Dreams or Goals (Is It Bringing You Down?)”

  1. This is the life I’m living and its so hard to make that choice to leave, which is what my heart is saying to do. or live separate lives which makes no sense. I will try your option 2.
    Thank you I needed to read this.

  2. My girlfriend is the person with no dreams/goals. I asked her today if she did and she said no, that she had such a hard time just trying to get through today that she didn’t have the energy to spend on future dreams.

    I, on the other hand, have dreams of starting a family, buying a house, living in the mountains, spending time in nature and going to the gym. I feel fairly driven, and I feel like her lack of dreams is basically saying that she is not invested in the relationship. I feel like how does she know if she actually loves me if she has no dreams? How does she know that I fit into her future?

    It clearly bothers me that she doesn’t have any aspirations, so I have a tough decision to make. This is especially hard because I love the life that we started making together already. I like her parents, I like her siblings, I like the trips we’ve taken. She struggles with depression, and I feel really bad for her that this is taking such a toll, but I don’t think I can let that drag me down too. Maybe that is selfish, but I don’t know what else to do since she puts in 0 effort when I ask her questions like that.

  3. I am big into hunting and gathering. Camping and fishing. Husband will go through the motions and be present. May have fleeting moments of enjoyment or enthusiasm, but that quickly disappears and is overwhelmed by a negative attitude. I am left to make all the goals, lists, plans. How, when, where. He wont research how to do anything then argues with me. Wont give the brain space to memory bank past important locations and situations. Therefore doesn’t learn. I feel like I am dragging around an indignant resentful 6ft 2 lump. The only thing this guy wants to do is play video games outside of his job. When I drag him outside he always has ear buds in or is on his phone. We just went on an archery elk hunt and I called in several elk for him. He blew every opportunity and set and scared the elk away. My freezer is empty. With beef being as high as 10 bucks a lb. For ground last winter. Yeah I would really love some healthy elk meat. After 6 years of him messing up and sending us home empty and this year same problems. i had enough of seeing all my study, hard work, and planning fall through again due to his lack of attention and care. I left him at the bottom of the mountain and got an elk within an hr of leaving him behind. An elk he argued was on the other side of the drainage. Maybe if he didn’t have an earbud in one of his ears and paid attention and actually listened he would have agreed. I am stoked I flawlessly arrow my elk and it went down almost instantly. I had to darn near butcher it into quarters myself and all he did was complain about the bees and have a really bad attitude. Totally had me about in tears after accomplishing something on my own that a lot of men want to do. I just try my best to deal with everything and ignore his attitude. Cause I am scared he is going to leave me up on the mountain with no way to pack the meat out by myself before it spoils. Get everything in home and in cooler. Then he wants to start a big fight and be petty and throw shade cause he had to unload the camp supplies by himself. I cant lift any of the big coolers and boxes by myself. He didn’t ask for help. At this point I am fuming and really fed up. I go to start cutting up elk and processing and he decides to act like a 4yr old and cant even figure out how to cut and lay down paper on the table. Wants me to give exact specifications on how to cut a piece of paper and where to put each piece of tape. He is 43yrs old. He has laid tape on the table before. I about went through the roof. He was probably being really pretty because he couldn’t play a video game the rest of his vacation and has to help process elk. Having him help cut up the elk he wastes like a long time cutting on one small piece while I am going through it. He doesn’t care to know the parts of what should be a steak, roast, or burger. I have just about had it with him trying to ruin everything. He has helped with multiple animals. There is no reason he should not know or act this way.

  4. We all deal with people like this. It’s such a crushing power struggle. Some people want to be solid and achieve goals. Some can’t and aren’t capable of setting more than so many goals at once. Then accomplishing them. I love my husband but he just let me down everytime. I guess only thing I can say is ppl are good ppl but not everyone wants the same things out of life.

  5. Once again, I just walked out of the room, away from my unmotivated husband, in crocodile tears no less. He retired two years ago; I thought that without the pressures of work and his new found, workless freedom, that he’d be highly motivated to accomplish some very doable goals that we discussed and agreed upon. Nope. Nada. Zip. He doesn’t want to do anything other than random researches on the internet, watch TV or kick back. We recently moved HALF WAY ACROSS THE COUNTRY to have a home with some land; its far away from my family, kids, grandkids, our long time friends and everything I knew, and I’m completely and utterly alone. If I don’t call the woodstove installers or the floor guy with the product we want and to start the job, IT DOESN’T GET DONE. He just does other things that have no importance to us right now (like ‘how to invest in gold’ or ‘searching for apps to locate property lines’), as IF, we need any of that. Totally unable to prioritize. Totally void of ‘us’. The only interaction he has with me is asking where something of his is, what’s for dinner or to discuss the horrific news he just watched. I feel like I’m dying from boredom, anger and heartbreak. Its incredibly lonely. I am trying to accomplish all of ‘our’ goals myself, he’ll nod his head from time to time but he doesn’t lift a finger to make anything happen. I find myself directing him around b/c without MY ‘guidance’, he just looks at me and says, ‘So what do you think we should do?’. Perhaps its gaslighting or a willful intent to drive me nuts. If it is, he’s doing a great job. If I knew he would not lift a finger once we moved to our rural home, then I would have given this move a much bigger thought. It was hard enough making the decision to move so far away. But he acted so ‘excited’ about building a workshop and (the both of) us having a place for our hobbies. We’ve been here 9 months and despite repeated reminders to call construction companies to get some quotes, nothing has been done. I just told him before I commented here, “It looks like there will be no workshop”. He just stared blankly at me. If I simply give up, it’ll kill me. But if I force myself to do everything, it will surely kill me.

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