It’s demoralizing, depressing, and upsetting to have a partner constantly picking apart everything you do, isn’t it?
For a relationship to truly work, there needs to be a healthy line of communication between both partners.
This doesn’t mean things are going to be perfect, not by any means. There will always be wrinkles to iron out – more in some relationships than others – but there’s real strength in working through things.
If your husband is currently picking on everything you do and it’s really starting to get you down, don’t worry. I have some helpful advice to help you (both) develop a more healthy, blame-free relationship.
What Does It Mean When Your Spouse Blames You for Everything?
If your partner is blaming and picking on you constantly, there has to be a root cause for this behavior.
It will run deeper than just being part of his personality. By finding out why he’s treating you like this, it’s much easier to work out a resolution that makes him feel good, and you even better.
Some of the common causes are:
- He has low self-esteem himself and he’s picking on you as a way to make himself feel better.
- He just doesn’t respect you as he should. It’ll take you giving him a wake-up call to make him realize he should be treating you better.
- He’s chasing perfection or thinks he’s helping you be better in some way. Which isn’t the right mentality – as I’m sure I don’t need to tell you – and it’s having the opposite effect.
- He’s not fully committed to the relationship and is finding ways to cause conflict.
Related – Signs a man has a crush on another woman.
How Do I Stop My Husband From Nitpicking Me?
Now you have a better understanding of why your husband or partner is picking on you or blaming you, you need to do something about it.
For the most part, it starts and revolves around communication. Through great communication, most relationship issues can be resolved.
Here are some of the things you can do to talk this out, open their eyes to what’s going on, and change this behavior:
Let Them Know It’s Bothering You
They might not be consciously aware of what they’re doing, and certainly not how much it’s affecting you unless you tell them.
It’s not an easy topic to bring up, but it’s necessary. Try not to be confrontational, don’t play the blame game yourself, and be as understanding as possible.
Hear them out, explain how it’s making you feel and see where it goes. This is definitely the starting point for resolving this issue though.
Express How You’d Prefer to Be Treated
By talking it out, it’s not realistic to think they will no longer point out anything that’s bothering them. Neither is it a good idea they bite their tongue instead.
A better solution is that they’re comfortable bringing stuff up that’s bothering them, but they do so in a productive way where you can both talk about it.
Let your hubby know how you’d like him to talk to you when something is bothering him. It’s about give and take, and finding a comfortable middle ground.
Move Forward and Don’t Hold a Grudge
Being picked on takes a toll over time. The longer you’ve been dealing with this, the more I’m sure it’s grated on you.
The thing is, to be able to move forward you have to be willing to put it all behind you. Once you’ve talked things through and your partner is willing to make changes, you can’t bring up the past.
Some people find this incredibly hard to do. If this is you, find a way!
Consider Seeking Professional Help
A lot of relationship problems can’t be resolved between the two partners. There’s nothing to be ashamed about that, we’re all complex beings, and sometimes the root cause runs too deep.
Also, sometimes it takes a third party to give their unbiased perspective on things. If you really want to work things out you should suggest relationship counseling of some kind.
If your man wants the relationship to work, something is going to change when you suggest it.
What Not to Do When Your Partner Is Picking and Blaming You
Now you know some of the right things to do to resolve the problem, you also need to know what not to do.
Sometimes, it’s more important knowing what not to do, as doing the wrong thing can escalate the problem into a fight.
Here are some clear don’ts when dealing with a blaming partner:
Don’t Respond/Act If You’re Emotional
We don’t make the best decisions when we’re emotional. Don’t react if his nitpicking is upsetting you, you’ll only end up doing or saying something you regret later.
Don’t Pick on Things Back and Blame Them
It’s a natural instinct for most of us to fight back, especially if they’re being hypocritical. But don’t. It will just escalate things into an argument, instead, follow the steps to communicate I outlined earlier.
Don’t Accept It and Internalize It
I can’t stress enough how bad it is to internalize negative thoughts and energy. This is why it’s important to talk to your partner about this in the open. It’s better for your mental health in the long-run.
Don’t Try to Get “Even”
Another natural reaction when you feel like you’re being picked on is to think of ways to get “even”. Drop those thoughts right away, getting even achieves nothing. Finding an amicable resolve solves everything.
It sucks to feel like everything you do is being picked on, criticized, or scrutinized. But you don’t have to put up with it.
This doesn’t mean fighting fire with fire. As I explained in this article, finding the reasons behind why he’s treating you like this and opening up clear communication is the key to changing his behavior the right way.
I hope my advice will help. I wish you good luck!
Image credits – Header image by Anh Nguyen, in-body image by Eric Ward on Unsplash
Phil lives in England, UK, and has around 20 years experience as a professional life, career and executive coach. He started this blog to help others find and define their own self development journey. Blogging about a wide range of topics to help facilitate a better future.