When you’re with someone who has a child with an ex it often causes some conflict, especially if there are no real ground rules.
It’s important that you feel comfortable with how your partner interacts with his baby mama, as well as him having a good relationship with his kid.
What’s the answer?
Setting healthy boundaries between your man and his baby mama, as well as how and when he sees his child, that’s how!
Here is how to set boyfriend and baby mama boundaries to ensure everyone is happy:
10 Boyfriend and Baby Mama Boundaries for Healthy Relationships
1. Have a Set Schedule for Your Boyfriend to See His Child
One of the main causes of arguments when a guy is in a new relationship and has a child with an ex is over his visitation rights.
Either he needs to set a schedule in place, or he needs to get a court to do it if his baby mama is being difficult.
Without a set schedule, his baby mama will use seeing his child as leverage and a way to control him.
This is a very important boundary to set if you want to avoid a lot of headaches and arguments!
Related – Reasons why it’s not healthy for your partner to speak to his baby mama all the time!
2. Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Get to See His Baby Mama without Telling You
There’s a reason why there is a stigma around guys hanging out with their baby mamas.
They have a history with them and share a child, and this often brings – or makes them hold on to – emotions into play.
You should feel comfortable with your boyfriend’s relationship with his baby mama, and that means knowing when they’re seeing each other.
If he’s going to see her, he should tell you why, and when he’ll be back.
3. Your Boyfriend Shouldn’t Spend Time Hanging out With His Baby Mama
Along with telling you if he’s going to be seeing his baby’s mama, he should also respect you enough not to hang out with her unless he’s seeing his kid.
It’s one thing to have a good relationship with the mother of his child so they can co-parent, but it’s another to spend time with her socially.
This is a boundary that you need to set so that you don’t feel like he’s still got one foot in the door with his ex.
And, it’s important to remember that you shouldn’t feel like you have to compete with his baby mama for his time.
4. He Shouldn’t Be Prioritizing His Baby Mama Over You
This also applies to his baby mama calling him and asking him to do something for her, or your boyfriend thinking about her before you.
Yes, they have a child together, but you’re his partner now and he needs to treat you as such.
That means that his baby mama is not his first priority, you are.
If she’s always coming first, it’s time to have a talk with him about where your relationship stands.
5. Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Need to Keep Possessions at Her House
Just because they have a child together doesn’t mean that your boyfriend needs to keep any of his possessions at her house.
This can be something as simple as some of his clothes to leaving larger items they bought together like a TV or computer.
He needs to draw the line and assure you that he’s completely moved out without leaving a trace behind.
6. She Doesn’t Get to Use His Kid as Leverage
Using a child as leverage is always a low blow, but it’s common in situations where a baby mama wants something from their ex when he’s in a new relationship.
Whether it’s due to jealousy in general or something in particular, if she knows he’ll jump when she brings his child into the discussion she might use this.
You need to help him set a boundary so that he doesn’t take any bait and sticks to his scheduled visitation and financial commitments.
7. She Isn’t to Talk About Their Relationship in Front of You
No matter how friendly you get with your boyfriend’s ex, I’m sure you don’t want to hear about their relationship.
And, you shouldn’t have to.
She should respect the fact that he’s moved on and is in a new relationship, and refrain from talking about their past together in front of you.
This is a boundary that she needs to set with both of them, and you can remind your boyfriend to speak with her if she steps over the line.
8. She Can’t Drop His Child Over Whenever She Wants
This is a boundary that needs to be set for both the child’s sake and yours.
You should feel comfortable in your own home, and not like you’re constantly on edge waiting for his ex to show up.
This is why it’s important to have a schedule for when she can drop off or pick up the child, so that you’re both prepared and there are no surprises.
This is also a good boundary to set to avoid a number of potential problems.
9. She Shouldn’t Be Texting or Calling Him at Inappropriate Times
Just like your boyfriend shouldn’t be hanging out with his baby mama, she also needs to respect the fact that he’s in a new relationship.
That means not texting or calling him at all hours of the night, or when she knows he’s with you.
She should only be contacting him when it’s about their child or if it’s an emergency.
Otherwise, she needs to give him space to focus on his new relationship – and he also needs to play his part here.
Related – How to set healthy boundaries with an ex even if they have kids together.
10. She Needs to Respect Your Personal Space
You are not as close to your boyfriend’s baby mama as he is, and he needs to remember that when leaving the two of you in the same room.
You should be polite to one another for the sake of the child’s wellbeing, but that doesn’t mean you have to be friends.
Whatever boundaries you feel comfortable with in terms of being around her you should set.
If you don’t want anything to do with her, she needs to respect that as does your boyfriend.
Wrapping Up
I hope by setting some boundaries you’re able to get yourself in a comfortable space where you are in the middle of your boyfriend, his ex, and their child.
The important thing to remember is that you all need to act like mature adults and do what’s best for the child.
This isn’t always easy, especially if his baby mama wants to try and leverage her position as she does need to be a small part of his life.
But through healthy boundaries and the support of your boyfriend to make sure she respects them, it’s always possible.
Image credits – Photo by Osarugue Igbinoba on Unsplash
Phil lives in England, UK, and has around 20 years experience as a professional life, career and executive coach. He started this blog to help others find and define their own self development journey. Blogging about a wide range of topics to help facilitate a better future.
This helped a little bit with what I am going through but I am struggling. He won’t commit to being in his child’s life legally. The baby mama won’t put him on the birth certificate but is expecting him to pay child support. I’m not allowed to go with him to visits and he is giving up my time to spend more time with his kid and baby mama. She won’t allow him to visit without her there. I don’t feel comfortable with any of this and have talked to him relentlessly about it. I’m beginning to feel there is no way to have a healthy relationship while he is in his child’s life. He says that it is my fault this is effecting me and ruining our relationship but he put me in this position when he tried to get back with her and told her he still loved her.
My boyfriend always invite his baby Mama to his family things and he denies that and he make me think that her sister is the one inviting and he always telling me he won’t go back to her baby mama but he invite her into the house when she come to fetches the child and this lady she doesn’t want to talk to me and I’m the one spending the time with her child when my boyfriend go to work
Great advise sir